Spam I Am
      Thomas Christensen  


This morning, as I was deleting my spam, I stopped to wonder, what does all this correspondence say about me? I'm curious by nature. As a single hermaphrodite with small breasts and a small penis, for example, I am interested in the new scientific breakthroughs that will increase my bust size and add length to my member. Though small in those areas, I am overweight, very hairy, and rather wrinkled. Despite all this, I remain interested in meeting other singles—mostly women, and in fact I have a taste for group sex (for which, I suppose, I am uniquely suited). When I do swing the other way, I want to drive men crazy naturally. Still, I have a regular mate and I worry most of all about pleasing her -- viagra is a great help in that regard, and luckily I can get quite a large range of generic versions that are just as effective as the real thing but at a much lower price!
    Some nights, though, I prefer just to watch cable or go to a movie. At least, that’s how I begin my evenings, which tend to be quite long because of my persistent insomnia; fortunately, I have a line on prescription drugs at cheap prices over the internet. As the drugs I’m interested in indicate, my health is failing in a lot of different areas -- for example, I have a number of psychological problems (I don't know why) -- but I hope my health will improve soon, thanks to the only all-natural stop smoking solution (FREE). Meanwhile, something called SuperBLUE eases my pain.
    Perhaps because of my grave debt problem and my lack of an advanced degree, the cost of this entertainment troubles me. I suppose my financial difficulties could have something to do with my casino gambling habit, or the fact that I still haven't taken advantage of the great opportunities that are now available for refinancing my house.
    Then again, I suppose that part of the reason I go out more often than I should is that I don't want to face my septic tank problem at home.
    Still, I haven't given up: I'm looking to completely erase my debt so I can improve my education at low cost (I've recently learned that for a Ph.D. no classes are necessary!); perhaps I will take advantage of a cash grant from the government, and I may also get a part-time job working at home that will pay a surprisingly high hourly rate. Or maybe I'll just make massive profits on ebay.
    Despite all my problems, I remain open to charitable activities, such as helping oppressed Nigerian royalty safely transfer their wealth to this country using my personal bank account. I confess I have been tempted by pyramid schemes, but if they backfire or none of this works out for me here, at least I know where I can get the lowest prices on airfare—PERIOD! In fact, I can save 85% on travel today. And I can also get a $500 cash advance today. What am I waiting for??!
    I'll miss my swinging friends, but I can stay in touch with a cell phone plus shipping at no cost. Now that's what I call a fresh start for the new year! In the words of one of my many e-mail admirers: "May your hands always be busy --may your feet always be swift."
    I don't know though. For some reason I think that while I'm on the move I just might leave my laptop at home. My friends seem so concerned about me, I'm sure they won’t mind paying for postage.


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